My mum has never mentioned ageing to me. She’s never bemoaned her age, the emergence of grey hairs, skin or body changes. She doesn’t care about anti-ageing creams or treatments. None of my relatives have either, even those closer to my age. Ageing woes just don’t exist for them, and yet, for me, it’s been an unwelcome foe since my late teens, waiting for its opportunity to strike. The reason for this disparity, I think, could be a cultural issue. Because the only difference between my mum, my relatives, and me is that they grew up in India and I grew up in the UK. Knowing where beauty standards come from and why, means we can help those around us. When our friends obsess about their appearance we can gently remind them that they’re more than their looks - but women have been conditioned to think pretty is a part of their personality - and it isn't. Perhaps the biggest shift was learning why I’d reduced my self-worth to being entirely defined by how I look, and that made me realise how imperative it was to root my self-esteem elsewhere, in the qualities that really define me – my character and positive traits. Because ugly is an ever-changing, politically charged construct – and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is never to trust those binary categories, “pretty” and “ugly”, don’t actually exist. * * * How to resist the ‘jar of hope’ impulse buy

This is when I started doing research into where our beauty trends come from and the different things that affect them, from politics to colonisation to class – it was a real turning point for me. That's why I wrote the book, to make sense of that void (or chasm) in the middle."That pity factor is aimed at all women who defy patriarchal norms of behaviour and cast those like Madonna, who refuse to ‘put it away’, into a negative light. So, it’s no wonder that appearing ageless has become one of the few ways women have to battle against a force that wants them to just ‘disappear’ (with the anti-ageing and cosmetic surgery industries only too happy to offer their services in exchange for our cash). But here again, there’s a fine line to tread because while female celebrities like Madonna are often subjected to tabloid headlines stating they’ve gone ‘too far’, those who choose to age naturally are accused of looking tired or having ‘given up’. The sweet spot is being frozen by time—in a way that the male gaze deems both acceptable and desirable, of course.

The whole point of me including historical research was to show this is happening again and again. Until we know where that comes from and why that happens, it’s really hard to distance and protect yourself from it.” We've all had those moments. The ones where you look in the mirror and nothing feels ok. For Anita Bhagwandas, this started when she was a child and it created an enduring internal torment about her looks. Female celebrities are more likely to have their appearance dissected because they are making obvious changes to their appearance, and often. People are going to talk about that,” explains DeFino. This isn’t inherently a negative thing: “I hate the idea that discussing women’s looks—particularly when those looks are the result of an intense and potentially dangerous process of mechanical manipulation that defies the physical limits of the human face and the financial limits of the majority of the population—is sexist.” I know I’d like to find another way to approach ageing that’s akin to my mum’s perspective; one that means a birthday milestone feels like a gain and not a loss (for my self-worth or my collagen levels). I want to age with hope, freedom and joy for what’s to come, and to free up that part of my brain that was reserved for ‘anti-ageing’ to celebrate myself, my evolving appearance and the privilege of living.She argues that a “more subversive and effective way to expose the construct of womanhood” would be to “reject the tools of construction, such as cosmetic surgery, entirely. As it is, Madonna is propping up the very systems she claims to be standing up to—ageism, misogyny—by refusing to let her aging female body age visibly.” We're all told that this is just part of growing up, but it stays with us, evolving as we age. The internet tells us we should love ourselves, whilst bombarding us with images of airbrushed perfection, upholding centuries-old beauty standards which we can't always see. Our beauty rituals are so often based around things we think we need to fix, grow and develop - sometimes tipping into dangerous obsession. I wouldn't say I stopped hating the way I look but this book helped me make a significant steps towards just accepting myself the way that I am.